29 September (Sat, Sunny)

生活里， 你是配角还是主角？

These few days my back is getting better. at least I only feel pain when i change my posture (from sitting to standing etc) and the ache is less prominent. Mum was like nagging whenever she see me and the question I heard most often " Y like that? Also dunno wat I did to make till I having this backpain." Then comment that I dun earn alot and have to pay all the money to the treatment etc etc.. and the tome she used is those of frustration and hostility. Cant help it but give me the feeling that I'm a burden to her. If I have a choice, would I not choose to have a perfect health? Did I choose to ahve this suffering? I wanted to change my life to a better one.. tt's y I start exercising and all but ended up having this pain that I need to bear for a long time if not for life. It's not really my choice rite? sigh.. Then tots of as mention in the title surface.. i still rem.. mum from time to time will say.. if not for the 3rd child tt she miscarriage, my sis and I probably won't come to this world. Am i suppose to feel glad or suppose to feel sad that I'm actually not meant to come to this world? I'm probably just an extra person to come to this world?
Asking myself the qn and reflecting on my behavior.. I suppose i'm a 配角 in life... Most of the ppl probably will be 主角 in their own life, 主角 in that special someone's life and even 主角 among frens (u know, there's just this couple of frens that must be presence in a gathering, if not the gathering wont even hold or end up alot of the others wont appear..). There are also probably others like me, who try to be 主角 in my own life, never a 主角 in someone's and definitely a 配角 among frens. I really really hope to be more proactive among frens but somehow I just cant do it. Always quite gloomy.. and everytime I see frens laughing n enjoying among themselves.. somehow I just cant help to qn myself everytime single time.. y am i not laughin with them? y am i so gloomy/ moody? my mood definitely could affect them so shd I even just back off n disappear.. so tt they have more enjoyable time tog.... wat's wrong with me?...
so am i the 配角 that always appears at the back with the gloomy personality that probably die le also no one will notice? Sigh.. probably tt's y I am never happy ba.. wanted to change all that but dunno how to....